A few thoughts on our family

So it's been pretty tough for me lately....if I hadn't accepted this job offer Mark and I would have been licensed by now....that is something I've really been having a hard time wrapping my head around, we'd possibly be parents by now. I won't lie I get choked up just thinking about it. We'd have a daughter getting ready for a new school year, getting used to new routines, making new traditions, being a family. I knew when I accepted the job that this would be the hardest part.
But sometimes I realize just how real it was. Particularly with my job being so involved in the schools and being around little girls that are the same age as the girl we were interested in can sometimes kick me right in the chest.
We've decided to focus on the fact that maybe we'll be having a baby. That was always a possibility, we knew going into the adoption process that if we got pregnant than we'd pull out of the adoption as long as placements had been started. So I keep trying to tell myself that we gave up the adoption in MI so that we could come to AR and have a baby. That wouldd be great if we were actually pregnant, which we're not.....and we've now crossed the one year mark of trying to get pregnant. But because of the move I obviously couldn't keep my appt with the doctor to step up our fertility efforts.....double sigh...
I've got a number of friends, family members, acquaintances who of course are pregnant right now, or just recently had a baby. And it's not that I'm not thrilled for them (I am! I love being an Auntie) but when it rains it pours, everytime we hear of another pregnancy Mark and I share that brief moment of utter envy. Don't get me wrong we are truly happy for them I can't stress that enough, but it hurts to...I suppose what hurts more is when I see those parents who don't give their children the time of day, I'll never understand how it is fair that so many people who don't even care if they have kids/or don't really want kids seem to have so many!
Part of me regrets leaving behind the adoption, I honestly have so many doubts about it sometimes....she may not even know who we were but I knew who she was, and I saw her in our family, I will always pray for her, wondering where she is, if she ever found the forever family she was looking for. And who knows we may never even have been a match for her, but I'll never know will I, could Mark and I have been her family? So I know this is a bit of a downer post, which is why I separated it from the other one, but my heart has been heavy with this and I needed to share....Pray for me please, and Mark to. We (mostly I) are trying to learn to trust that there is a plan and that I didn't royally screw it up by taking this job. Part of me almost wishes we'd be told that there is no way we'll have a baby it almost seems like it would hurt less to be able to grieve that and let go, rather than keep wondering. To be able to stop wishing and hoping that every little symptom I even remotely feel I'm having is a possibility of a baby. I really am quite good at deluding myself, and for that brief day or two I let myself imagine the possibilities, the cute little curly haired little boy or girl with my dimples and Mark's eyes...ok enough self-pitying I love you all.

Nicole