The End

With us moving back to Michigan from Arkansas we've had to make a lot of decisions about our life from this point forward....do we start right back up with fertility treatments, which would mean looking at the next level of treatments since my body was not responding to this level....do we go back to adoption through Bethany Christian Services....do we just stop all of it....
My heart had been in turmoil about all of it...I've never felt really comfortable with the fertility treatments but if they worked in my mind it was worth it....but they aren't working and I definitely do not want to go to the next step....Adoption is important to me and I really want to grow my family in that way, but is not the right time? Are we at the right place in our lives...before we moved to Arkansas I would have said wholeheartedly yes....but I couldn't be so sure now....Add to that the stress of moving, starting a new job, life, and everything else that is going on it's been a bit of a crazy couple weeks for me particularly....So yesterday I took some time to meet with our pastor, who also happens to be a friend of ours, and we talked and prayed and I really came out with a sense of clarity and calmness that I have not felt in a long while....So I then took some more time, went to the beach...felt the sand between my toes, listened to the waves that were so loud I couldn't hear anything else and really searched my heart....So now I am here to tell you that Mark and I are giving up control over fertility...if God grants us a child through pregnancy.....we'll praise him...if God doesn't grant us a child....we'll praise him. No matter what happens from this point forward we're letting go. I'm going to work with my doctor to figure out a plan to get my body back to normal, most likely through the use of the pill, and we're going to take time to focus on our marriage and being the best aunt and uncle ever. To all of you who have been through this journey with us, thank you...your kindness and prayers and love are so appreciated, and I hope you'll continue to pray for us as we grieve...While I feel at peace with this decision in a way I haven't felt in a long time, the grief is still there, and I don't think that will go away anytime soon. Of course I'll continue to update you all on our lives, my new job, our new adventure in Alpena, but for now this is the end of our journey with fertility......

Love you all,
Nicole

Alpena

So, my mom and I went up to Alpena yesterday and spent the night and spent all day today looking around the town and looking at a couple of rentals....The town made good impressions, its right on Lake Huron and is quite pretty, there is also a very nice downtown which is important to me and there are plenty of big box stores so really there isn't anything we would need elsewhere. As for the rentals, the first one we looked at was one that I found on Craiglists last night about two minutes after it was posted. We talked to the owner and he suggested we drive out and see it first and then let him know if we wanted it...so we did, it was small and we weren't totally impressed but decided we might as well see it. So today it was the first one we saw, and it actually ended up being the one we went with because the inside really made up for the lackluster exterior. It's two bedrooms one bath all new flooring, new bathroom, washer and dryer, will be a new fridge and a nice stove when he gets them put in. It has a one car garage which I will be loving in the winter and the landlord was really willing to be flexible on the lease terms and allowing our puppy! So it was a win-win situation and I'm looking forward to getting all of our stuff up there and getting settled.
From the other rentals we saw, one scared the heck out of us (smelled like cat pee and the landlady was not someone you'd want to meet in a dark alley!) and the other one was really neat. I loved the architecture of it (super high ceilings and neat details) but it was more of a house I'd want to buy and put time and money into rather than live there...it was a half a house so we would have people above us and there was no garage or washer and dryer. So we ended up with the first rental and I'm happy with it.
I'll be working in Traverse City on Monday and then spending the rest of the week working from my mom's house doing research on my communities and learning all of the policies for my new council! Then Friday I'll be flying out to Arkansas and picking up the rental truck and starting to get it filled, finishing that on Saturday, going to my friends wedding and spending some quality time with my friends before leaving bright and early Sunday morning! Gonna be a long trip, it took me about 13 hours when I did it, stopping only occasionally for gas/a walk break, but it's going to be quite a bit longer this time because of the rental truck and having to stop and give Guinness plenty of opportunities to run around and such....ugh two cross country trips in as many weeks...and then add on the 4+ hour trip to Alpena. But we won't be doing that until Monday...we'll spend the night Sunday at my parents house, pick up my car and then do that trek....
That's all for updates for now... :-)

Another First Day

So tomorrow is my first day at my new job as a Membership and Community Development Manager for the Girl Scouts Michigan Shore to Shore!!! YIKES I know I know you guys probably have whiplash from our multiple cross-country moves in less than a year, but honestly it was worth it! In Arkansas I got the experience my resume had been lacking, a chance to live in a whole other state *which felt like a whole other country* meet some amazing people, and learn alot about myself.....Now in Michigan I will get the chance to continue doing the work that I love doing, be closer to family and get the added opportunity/challenge of working from home. So we're both really excited, we'll actually be splitting the distance between our UP families and our Zeeland/Holland families. Which is very exciting because that means we'll be a lot closer to my God Daughter!!! YAY!!
But while neither of us really cared for Fayetteville itself I am super sad to be leaving our friends that we made there. Mark always has a really easy time making friends, me not so much. I make a lot of acquaintances, but count very few people as true friends...In AR I actually made some true friends that are amazing people, and I'm very sad to leave them! I just hope that my first day at GSMISTS goes as well as my first day with the Diamonds council, though I am positive there are no co-workers as awesome as the two who started with me at Diamonds hopefully I'll get lucky twice! There is another girl starting the same day as me so at least I wont be the only new kid on the block! Sad thing about working out-based though is I won't get to interact with my co-workers as much so I'll have to find other ways to make friends...blah....oh well I have a very awesome week filled with training and meeting and touring and I get to stay with my mom all week so yay! We're going up next weekend to look at rentals and even one house that I really like, so not sure how that is going to work, I might end up working next week at my parents house so that I'll have access to the net, but that is to be determined. I go back to Arkansas on the 20th for two things...1 a wedding for a very awesome couple and 2. to get my stuff, my dog, and my hubby and drive the 13 hours trip AGAIN....sigh....luckily with so many people moving OUT of Michigan we were able to get a REALLY good deal on the moving truck coming IN to Michigan. Literally we're spending half as much on the truck, plus adding a tow option for our other vehicle! YAY, add to that the fact I'm staying with my parents this transition instead of a hotel, and that the cost of living in Alpena is much cheaper we are seriously coming ahead on this move! Oh yeah and I got a raise! WOOHOO to not being as poor!


In other news on Friday I had my last baby day appointment, and it went pretty much as expected...my body sucks....there was some follicle development but it was smaller than the last time so they really weren't expected to go anywhere :-( even though I had prepared for that answer, it still sucked...the doctor was ready to start talking other options, inject-able hormones, steroids, in-vetro. But because of the move I politely declined and got my records so we can make a decision later...I think that what we're going to do is let my body go back to normal...do oral birth control and even out my hormones so that I can stop breaking out like a 12 year old, get back to my normal weight and just be happy in my body again! and hopefully that will help kickstart my ovaries...not likely but at least I won't feel like a pimply beached whale! And we're back in the area of Bethany Christian Services so that option might be re-visited...I definitely know that we'll be giving it a little time, I need to get my head screwed back on straight. It's hard to make decisions about things when you're a hormone mood swingy mess. I have no idea any more what thoughts/ideas/etc are my own and what are caused by the medications...it's not a nice feeling to have a head like that...I'll get to concentrate on my new position, on finding a house, on spoiling my nieces and nephews and being the best God Mother ever.... sorry it's been such a long time since and update, but like I said when you're brain feels out of control it's not a nice feeling and I didn't feel like sharing not nice feelings, so thus the silence....Today was pretty rough for me, being Mother's Day and all, it was nice though because I got to spend the day with my Mom and we kept busy which helped. But that sinking/sucking feeling in my chest was there all day, just like it is every day but especially today with so much focus on moms was hard.....but one month til that other holiday dedicated to pointing out the fact that my body is a biological failure...yay....ok see enough of this, told you my head isn't pretty right now....I love you all, Happy Mother's Day to all of the mothers out there and to all of those others who are dealing with the evil 'I' word I understand, and I share your pain....there's always next year.....