So you may be wondering how things went for us last month....well they pretty much sucked. I had my appointment on the 31st and was expecting to go in there, get a shot, get sent home and make a baby...Well that didn't even come close to happening. Firstly, I got there and was pulled into a separate room to talk about the fact that my insurance sucks! Yep while they'd said that they would cover fertility treatments, what they really meant was they would cover In-Vitro. Not anything else after the diagnosis of infertility. I'm not exactly sure what world that makes sense in but that is the world of insurance I suppose. So we were given a schedule of costs which breaks down to about 300-350 every visit. Yikes!
So I signed the schedule said if we agreed to continue I understood that my insurance didn't cover anything, and from there I went to my actual appointment.
My regular doctor was out so I had to meet with a different doctor, which really isn't a big deal but I like my doctor. Anyways she did an ultrasound and that's where everything really went downhill. As you all may remember I took 10 days worth of oral hormones, induced a period, did 5 days of clomid which was supposed to induce ovulation. Well apparently that didn't happen. UGH so we did blood work and now I'm back on metformin, then doing round 2 of hormones and clomid at a higher dosage.
With clomid you only can do 6 rounds before it starts to do more harm than good in terms of fertility....So thus the title of this post. 6 month....though technically we're in month 2 so we only have 5 more months. But after coming home from my appointment and crying on my wonderful husbands shoulder we came to a decision. After our 6 months if we're not pregnant than we're done...I go back on birth control and get my body back under control and we focus solely on adoption if we still feel sane.
We're trying to feel good about everything, but I'm not doing such a good job..I knew that there was still a possibility of things not working even with the fertility treatments. I didn't really anticipate the whole insurance fiasco, but I knew things might not work, that doesn't really lessen the disappointment. I'd had such a good feeling that things might work, and the disappointment was rough...
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Feelin good about life!
So much has been going on with us recently that it is about time I update everyone! Right now Mark and I are in the middle of our first cycle of fertility treatments! AH scary! Honestly the whole idea of having to go to a doctor, plan everything to the day, and all the junk that goes with fertility specialists truly freaked me out! But now that we're in the middle of it I'm super excited and confident! Ok so to the beginning. In December I finally had all my health insurance junk in order (oiy pain in the butt) and finally had a check-up/yearly appointment with my new Primary Care Physician who I really liked. She couldn't believe my records, and immediately made a recommendation for an OB/GYN who can get us pregnant and stay with us through the whole pregnancy, bring in Dr Hinton! She's amazing! Smart, dry humor, up front, and was ready to get started immediately! I went in on a Wednesday, was back Friday for an ultra-sound and went over the results right there with her! She put me on oral hormones and that was 10 days ago! Yesterday was my last day of that. So sometime in the next couple days I should have a period, on day 3 blood-work, get put on Clomid, day 21 more blood-work and then I guess I get told to go home and have sex (yes that was Mark's fav part LOL) and if all goes according to plan we should be pregnant by our 3rd wedding anniversary! YAY!!! Of course if things don't go according to plan we'll do a couple more cycles *typically you do up to 6 before other options are explored* and Mark will start taking tests to make sure he is not the problem!
YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY
IN other news we are not giving up on adoption, but we're pretty sure we're giving up on the State of Arkansas adoption! We miss our Bethany Christian Services case worker and the fact that we got no personal connection at the state agency! Which is very important to us. So we're back to BCS we've filled out our initial paperwork which is nice because it was all online here, and have our introduction meeting on Friday. So we're moving full steam ahead on both avenues and God willing we'll be parents soon! We love being Aunt Nicole and Uncle Mark but can't wait to be Mom and Dad!
YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY
IN other news we are not giving up on adoption, but we're pretty sure we're giving up on the State of Arkansas adoption! We miss our Bethany Christian Services case worker and the fact that we got no personal connection at the state agency! Which is very important to us. So we're back to BCS we've filled out our initial paperwork which is nice because it was all online here, and have our introduction meeting on Friday. So we're moving full steam ahead on both avenues and God willing we'll be parents soon! We love being Aunt Nicole and Uncle Mark but can't wait to be Mom and Dad!
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
A New Addition
Yep, that's right, our family has grown....Nope not in the way you're thinking, not yet at least....We got a dog!! We'd been talking about it for a while and had done some preliminary looking, but hadn't made any firm decisions...until New Year's! Friends of ours had rescued a puppy from some not very nice people. But my friend that I work with just DOES NOT like puppies (who does that! Oh well her loss our gain) so they were looking for a new home. We looked and the picture and fell in love! So on Sunday we went over to their house after church and met the pup. He is a boxer-lab mix, very friendly and smart. He's still a puppy so he has a lot of energy and he is going to be pretty big, but he LOVES sleeping on Mark's lap and we're on day 2 and it's going good so far...
When he is old enough we'll be taking him to puppy obedience classes and we're getting recommendations on vets in the area since we aren't lucky enough to have Dr VanDenBrink! So here are a few pictures of my boys!
When he is old enough we'll be taking him to puppy obedience classes and we're getting recommendations on vets in the area since we aren't lucky enough to have Dr VanDenBrink! So here are a few pictures of my boys!
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Ah, New Year's
So I don't know if you guys know the story of how me and Mark met...Well officially we met in the 6th grade when Mark was living in Manistique, my best friend at the time had a last name that started with a C and of course that is right next to B, so I spent a lot of time hanging out in front of their lockers (particularly when I realized that my best friend was right next to the cutie from my science/math/english classes :-D) but I actually prefer the story of how we re-met, mostly because of the other characters!
When I was going into 9th grade I had the awesome opportunity to go on a mission trip out to 4 corners (where Utah, Colorado, Arizona and New Mexico touch). It was a great trip particularly because I met a really awesome person! Her name was Tiffany and she went to school in Newberry. Now after Mark moved at the end of our 6th grade year I always wondered about him, and had heard that he'd moved to Newberry but this was in the age before Facebook or really the idea of social networks, so we really had no way of staying in contact (and he'd left me for another girl so I was pretty mad at him by the end of the school year hehe j/k love! (but really he did leave me for another girl!!)). Since our trip left in June it was not long after school had gotten out and someone from the trip had brought their yearbook...
Well I am not really what you would call a very social or outgoing person, I especially have a hard time in crowds where everyone else already knows each other...this was the case with this trip. a majority of the crowd already knew each other, but Tiffany being the wonderful person that she was found ways to make me feel included. This is how I got in the middle of looking at a yearbook from a school I never attended.....Well there he was, still cute as ever, and I was pretty stunned to say that I actually knew someone in the yearbook! Lo' and behold that someone was Mark and he was good friends with Tiffany!! Fate I know! So that night as we all got into our sleeping bags Tiffany suggested I write Mark and note and that she'd deliver it!
So there it was, I threw out my end of the deal and figured I'd leave it up to fate to decide whether anything would come of it. Well it did, God was very much behind everything that happened! Tiffany did something few people that age do, she followed through, she gave Mark the note! And next thing I knew at the end of the summer I had an email from him. We started conversing and at the first chance I got I went to Newberry (for a reunion trip for our mission trip group) and it is a trip I will never forget. My mom and grandma dropped me off at the church and as we were unloading my stuff my grandma looked up and said 'who is that cute boy?'......bet you'll never guess who it was :-) yep it was Mark, just as shy and nervous as I was! After dinner Tiffany and I took off to the local football game where we met up with Mark and Tiffany's crush Steve. I don't think either Mark or myself really had any idea what we were getting ourselves into, but that was the beginning of US. We talked for the whole game, and then the emailing and chatting continued, every sports game where our teams played each other I was at, phone calls, more emailing and chatting, more trips to see each other, school dances, and lots of memories...
That brings us to New Years. What a bittersweet time for the two of us. Honestly most years we'd be happy to curl up, go to bed early, and completely forget the day. But we also can never forget it because of the good memories...Here is what happened. There was a lock-in (an overnight event where you get 'locked in' and can't leave the specified place until a certain time in the morning) was happening in my community, I invited Mark and Tiffany to come. Mark was able to, Tiffany already had plans. So Mark showed up that night and I think we were both a bundle of nerves because during one of our many conversations we had agreed that we would ring in 2002 with a kiss (our first). Now I was definitely not as experienced with kissing as Mark so I was even more nervous than him! So we spent a night of staying up all night talking, laughing, hanging out with friends and naturally kissing as midnight struck. It was a night dreams are made of! Seriously I've never had a better first kiss than that and I still love kissing him now as much as I did then! Now you may be wondering where the bad comes in, while that's the next day. On the very first day of 2002 our lives were shattered. Tiffany was killed....now this was not in some tragic accident, or disease, or some other understandable (while still horrible) way...no she was torn from our lives in a horrific act of violence that even now I can barely understand. Someone so young, so beautiful, so kind and friendly and wonderful was taken way to early from this life, and I miss her still. But I had no idea what happened until a few days later...so while I was still riding high on my wonderful night with the man of my dreams, my friend, the reason I even knew Mark again was gone.....So you can see why we don't particularly like New Years. This year is the 9 year anniversary of her death, and it still hurts. When you're 14 you really aren't equipped to deal with tragedy in that way, to compound it almost exactly 6 months later my grandma passed away unexpectedly...Let's just say 2002 was not a really good year for me...But I got Mark, and together we have dealt with a lot in the almost 10 years we've been friends (I start counting in August 2001 when we were officially re-introduced) in those 10 years we've dealt with horrible tragedy, moves, various boyfriends and girlfriends, college, high school, graduation, milestone after milestone that brought us closer together. To this day I don't think anyone knows me better than Mark. He's been there through the worse times of my life, and the best. And somehow as we both grew, changed, matured, struggled, and rejoiced we were there for each other....That's pretty rare....a lot of marriages don't last as long as we've been friends.
So while yes, I knew when I was 11/12 years old that I would marry him someday, it wasn't until I was many years older that I realized how much God was behind every decision that brought us together......
Now that we're older, now that we've experienced the many things that have happened in life (proms/graduations/dating/college/moving/apartments/marriage) it becomes harder every year to deal with the harsh anniversary that January 1st represents for us...For some many January 1st is a day to start over, a new beginning, a time for joy, for resolutions, and for happiness. But for us, I don't think there will ever be a January 1st that isn't just a little bitter. Because the reason we re-met, the wonderful friend, sister, daughter, person who was Tiffany is no longer with us...she is forever stuck in our minds as she was in 2001......So here is to 2011, a year hopefully filled with many blessings, lots of laughter, hopefully a baby and the beginning of a successful college career, and many friends and good food and happy memories....here is to getting the chance to spend another year living life to the fullest to honor the memory of one of the best people I ever met.....
Thank you Tiff, I honestly owe you my whole world, I hope we can make you proud
Love,
Nicole and Mark
When I was going into 9th grade I had the awesome opportunity to go on a mission trip out to 4 corners (where Utah, Colorado, Arizona and New Mexico touch). It was a great trip particularly because I met a really awesome person! Her name was Tiffany and she went to school in Newberry. Now after Mark moved at the end of our 6th grade year I always wondered about him, and had heard that he'd moved to Newberry but this was in the age before Facebook or really the idea of social networks, so we really had no way of staying in contact (and he'd left me for another girl so I was pretty mad at him by the end of the school year hehe j/k love! (but really he did leave me for another girl!!)). Since our trip left in June it was not long after school had gotten out and someone from the trip had brought their yearbook...
Well I am not really what you would call a very social or outgoing person, I especially have a hard time in crowds where everyone else already knows each other...this was the case with this trip. a majority of the crowd already knew each other, but Tiffany being the wonderful person that she was found ways to make me feel included. This is how I got in the middle of looking at a yearbook from a school I never attended.....Well there he was, still cute as ever, and I was pretty stunned to say that I actually knew someone in the yearbook! Lo' and behold that someone was Mark and he was good friends with Tiffany!! Fate I know! So that night as we all got into our sleeping bags Tiffany suggested I write Mark and note and that she'd deliver it!
So there it was, I threw out my end of the deal and figured I'd leave it up to fate to decide whether anything would come of it. Well it did, God was very much behind everything that happened! Tiffany did something few people that age do, she followed through, she gave Mark the note! And next thing I knew at the end of the summer I had an email from him. We started conversing and at the first chance I got I went to Newberry (for a reunion trip for our mission trip group) and it is a trip I will never forget. My mom and grandma dropped me off at the church and as we were unloading my stuff my grandma looked up and said 'who is that cute boy?'......bet you'll never guess who it was :-) yep it was Mark, just as shy and nervous as I was! After dinner Tiffany and I took off to the local football game where we met up with Mark and Tiffany's crush Steve. I don't think either Mark or myself really had any idea what we were getting ourselves into, but that was the beginning of US. We talked for the whole game, and then the emailing and chatting continued, every sports game where our teams played each other I was at, phone calls, more emailing and chatting, more trips to see each other, school dances, and lots of memories...
That brings us to New Years. What a bittersweet time for the two of us. Honestly most years we'd be happy to curl up, go to bed early, and completely forget the day. But we also can never forget it because of the good memories...Here is what happened. There was a lock-in (an overnight event where you get 'locked in' and can't leave the specified place until a certain time in the morning) was happening in my community, I invited Mark and Tiffany to come. Mark was able to, Tiffany already had plans. So Mark showed up that night and I think we were both a bundle of nerves because during one of our many conversations we had agreed that we would ring in 2002 with a kiss (our first). Now I was definitely not as experienced with kissing as Mark so I was even more nervous than him! So we spent a night of staying up all night talking, laughing, hanging out with friends and naturally kissing as midnight struck. It was a night dreams are made of! Seriously I've never had a better first kiss than that and I still love kissing him now as much as I did then! Now you may be wondering where the bad comes in, while that's the next day. On the very first day of 2002 our lives were shattered. Tiffany was killed....now this was not in some tragic accident, or disease, or some other understandable (while still horrible) way...no she was torn from our lives in a horrific act of violence that even now I can barely understand. Someone so young, so beautiful, so kind and friendly and wonderful was taken way to early from this life, and I miss her still. But I had no idea what happened until a few days later...so while I was still riding high on my wonderful night with the man of my dreams, my friend, the reason I even knew Mark again was gone.....So you can see why we don't particularly like New Years. This year is the 9 year anniversary of her death, and it still hurts. When you're 14 you really aren't equipped to deal with tragedy in that way, to compound it almost exactly 6 months later my grandma passed away unexpectedly...Let's just say 2002 was not a really good year for me...But I got Mark, and together we have dealt with a lot in the almost 10 years we've been friends (I start counting in August 2001 when we were officially re-introduced) in those 10 years we've dealt with horrible tragedy, moves, various boyfriends and girlfriends, college, high school, graduation, milestone after milestone that brought us closer together. To this day I don't think anyone knows me better than Mark. He's been there through the worse times of my life, and the best. And somehow as we both grew, changed, matured, struggled, and rejoiced we were there for each other....That's pretty rare....a lot of marriages don't last as long as we've been friends.
So while yes, I knew when I was 11/12 years old that I would marry him someday, it wasn't until I was many years older that I realized how much God was behind every decision that brought us together......
Now that we're older, now that we've experienced the many things that have happened in life (proms/graduations/dating/college/moving/apartments/marriage) it becomes harder every year to deal with the harsh anniversary that January 1st represents for us...For some many January 1st is a day to start over, a new beginning, a time for joy, for resolutions, and for happiness. But for us, I don't think there will ever be a January 1st that isn't just a little bitter. Because the reason we re-met, the wonderful friend, sister, daughter, person who was Tiffany is no longer with us...she is forever stuck in our minds as she was in 2001......So here is to 2011, a year hopefully filled with many blessings, lots of laughter, hopefully a baby and the beginning of a successful college career, and many friends and good food and happy memories....here is to getting the chance to spend another year living life to the fullest to honor the memory of one of the best people I ever met.....
Thank you Tiff, I honestly owe you my whole world, I hope we can make you proud
Love,
Nicole and Mark
Monday, December 27, 2010
Merry Christmas
I hope everyone had a really nice Christmas! We did our best to keep up traditions (and make some new ones) down here as well! Work was really boring last week, because we were so slow! So me and the two other MMS's helped our shop person re-arrange and restock everything, then it was Tuesday haha j/k that did keep us busy (and warm) for a couple days! By the way, our building is SO weird, upstairs it will be hotter than ever but downstairs we're all bundled up in our coats and scarves and hats (particularly me with the hats) and there seems to be nothing we can do! Luckily when I was cleaning out the closet next to my office I found a space heater!! SCORE! So now we all take turns using it to heat up our offices. The only problem is that is is ancient and super loud so when it is your turn to warm up you can't hear anything going on! So by Thursday we were bouncing off the walls! Particularly because our monthly newsletter had said we'd be closed the 23-3, well we were open on the 23rd but no one made a correction so we only had about 3 people come in all day! It was the slowest day ever! But finally 5:30 rolled around and I got to go home and start getting ready for Christmas Eve!
Now I must explain...In my family Christmas Eve has always been a pretty big day. When we were little we'd go to church and then everyone (on my mom's side of the family) would all meet up at my Grandma's house and have lasagna (no idea how we got started on that as our traditional meal but I won't complain it's the BEST) and open presents and just have fun together as a family. After my Grandma passed away things changed, mostly we started meeting downstate, usually at my mom's or my aunts house. We still got together, still had lasagna, but it wasn't quite the same....last year we had our last big family get together at my cousins house. It was nice to have that time together with everyone particularly because my cousin passed away a month later :-( so that brings us to this year. A year that was going to be tough regardless, but was made even worse because Mark and I couldn't afford to fly home for the holidays. So we were determined to make the best of it!
Since I don't know how to cook for just two people I knew there would be plenty of food so we invited some people to come over. I invited two co-workers and their families, and Mark invited one of his co-workers. Well only one of my co-workers ended up coming, but she brought her husband and daughter. So I spent the day making my very first lasagna! And it was AWESOME! Mark helped me clean the house and childproof our guestroom (their daughter is 3) and we were set. Since we were hosting they invited us to go to church with them, which was a really nice Baptist candlelight service, it reminded me a lot of the services from my childhood. And then we went back to our house!
It was really fun to get to hang out, the girls shared a bottle of wine, the boys a Sam Adam's winter mix and we just sat around our counter (cause we have no table still) and enjoyed good food and good company!
After they went home Mark and I opened presents from my sister and brother-in-law and Mark's mom and he stayed up playing the new game Rachel got him (which thankfully was not the same one I had gotten him!) and I went to bed!! The next morning we got up and opened our presents to each other (first time in 3 years we've been able to open our presents Christmas morning, we always had to do Christmas Eve morning because of all our family commitments) and then lazed around and ate leftovers!! It was a great day! I got SUPER spoiled like usual! I was really nice to Mark this year, I never give him a list, I figure if there is anyone who should know me well enough to know what to get it would be him! But this year I did give him a lot of hints and he caught them all! I got a new picture frame/pencil holder for my desk at work, a new Nancy Drew game (cause I LOVE them), a new shelf for the apartment, an awesome Ipod player that I can hook my Ipod into and it'll play through the speakers and it has a remote! It's awesome! and then the best gift of all, Mark painted me 4 pictures! They were on smaller canvases and each one is a different flower (not his typical art, but cause he loves me he did an amazing job!) the main focus of the picture is the painted flower, and then he used pastels to do the background! I love them so much! He is taking a painting class this semester I can't wait to see what he does after that!
So that was our Christmas, it was nice, relaxing, full of food and presents and friends, and of course love! We're still waiting on another box from my parents (woohoo extended Christmas hehe) and then our Christmas will be done! But for being so far away it wasn't so bad, other than missing everyone so much! Hope everyone else had a great Christmas as well!
Love you all,
Nicole
Now I must explain...In my family Christmas Eve has always been a pretty big day. When we were little we'd go to church and then everyone (on my mom's side of the family) would all meet up at my Grandma's house and have lasagna (no idea how we got started on that as our traditional meal but I won't complain it's the BEST) and open presents and just have fun together as a family. After my Grandma passed away things changed, mostly we started meeting downstate, usually at my mom's or my aunts house. We still got together, still had lasagna, but it wasn't quite the same....last year we had our last big family get together at my cousins house. It was nice to have that time together with everyone particularly because my cousin passed away a month later :-( so that brings us to this year. A year that was going to be tough regardless, but was made even worse because Mark and I couldn't afford to fly home for the holidays. So we were determined to make the best of it!
Since I don't know how to cook for just two people I knew there would be plenty of food so we invited some people to come over. I invited two co-workers and their families, and Mark invited one of his co-workers. Well only one of my co-workers ended up coming, but she brought her husband and daughter. So I spent the day making my very first lasagna! And it was AWESOME! Mark helped me clean the house and childproof our guestroom (their daughter is 3) and we were set. Since we were hosting they invited us to go to church with them, which was a really nice Baptist candlelight service, it reminded me a lot of the services from my childhood. And then we went back to our house!
It was really fun to get to hang out, the girls shared a bottle of wine, the boys a Sam Adam's winter mix and we just sat around our counter (cause we have no table still) and enjoyed good food and good company!
After they went home Mark and I opened presents from my sister and brother-in-law and Mark's mom and he stayed up playing the new game Rachel got him (which thankfully was not the same one I had gotten him!) and I went to bed!! The next morning we got up and opened our presents to each other (first time in 3 years we've been able to open our presents Christmas morning, we always had to do Christmas Eve morning because of all our family commitments) and then lazed around and ate leftovers!! It was a great day! I got SUPER spoiled like usual! I was really nice to Mark this year, I never give him a list, I figure if there is anyone who should know me well enough to know what to get it would be him! But this year I did give him a lot of hints and he caught them all! I got a new picture frame/pencil holder for my desk at work, a new Nancy Drew game (cause I LOVE them), a new shelf for the apartment, an awesome Ipod player that I can hook my Ipod into and it'll play through the speakers and it has a remote! It's awesome! and then the best gift of all, Mark painted me 4 pictures! They were on smaller canvases and each one is a different flower (not his typical art, but cause he loves me he did an amazing job!) the main focus of the picture is the painted flower, and then he used pastels to do the background! I love them so much! He is taking a painting class this semester I can't wait to see what he does after that!So that was our Christmas, it was nice, relaxing, full of food and presents and friends, and of course love! We're still waiting on another box from my parents (woohoo extended Christmas hehe) and then our Christmas will be done! But for being so far away it wasn't so bad, other than missing everyone so much! Hope everyone else had a great Christmas as well!
Love you all,
Nicole
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Making a Choice...
Part of the reason it has been so long since updating the blog is because I've been sorting through a lot of stuff in my mind. 3 things mostly:
1. Body image/ baby stuff
2. Tough time with the move
3. Mental attitude.
So starting with number 1. I've always had a fairly poor body image. See if you can follow this timeline: in high school I thought I was overweight and ugly.
I went to Basic lost 30-40 pounds, was in the best shape of my life, and got a lot of attention (that sadly I just loved)
I came back and gained all that weight back plus about an extra 15 pounds.
Went overseas for the first time lost 20 pounds
Came back, started dating Mark, got married etc, gained back probably 25-30 pounds
Went overseas again lost 15 pounds
Came back gained back 25
are we noticing a pattern here?
Anyways over all since High School (where I thought I was just awful) I've gained about 50 pounds. Now I look back at pictures from then and want to hit myself (don't even look at pictures from after basic because I literally feel sick). I've fluctuated a ton in these different weight, I find I can work out a ton and not lose weight which is very frustrating. So finding a routine of healthy eating (which I pretty much do, its more a matter of going from healthy eating (balanced) to ultra-healthy (no sugar, no unhealthy carbs, no fats, aka never going to happen) eating).
Something that doesn't help the equation is a husband who is 100% supportive. Weird I know, you'd think that's a good thing. Well it is, sorta. The bad thing is that he is 100% supportive of whatever I want, whether that's ice cream for dinner, or working out every day. Other bad thing, is that said supportive husband actually lost weight when he went to college (so much for the freshman 15) and hasn't really fluctuated more than 10 pounds in the 5 years since we graduated. UGH!!! So I need to work not just on motivation because trust me I KNOW I need to lose weight. I KNOW I will feel better if I work out everyday (supposedly) I KNOW our chanced of having a baby will be greater if I lose weight, I KNOW life in general will be better if I lost at least 30 pounds. The problem comes with getting that motivation to actually do something.
So I've bought a gym membership at a great gym that has a ton of cool classes, a pool for lap swimming, great equipment, etc. But having gotten sick the weekend after getting the membership I have not really made it there. Not that I'm sure that would have really made much difference, I'm sure I would have found some other excuse. So I guess it is something I'll continue to work on, see if I can find someone to be a workout buddy with (because even though my husband is 100% supportive getting his butt to a gym is next to impossible, though the one time I did I totally out swam him which goes to show just because I'm fat I am in some ways in better shape than my skinny hubby) or just whap myself over the head until it sticks in my brain that this is something I need to do for myself.
So onto number 2!
Moving to Arkansas has been far from easy, leaving friends and family and comfortable surroundings in order to move somewhere completely foreign is not really fun. But sometimes what's best for yourself and family is to do the less fun option. When we started living together/got married Mark and I agreed that he would work full-time while I was in school so I could concentrate on getting my degree and Mark could figure out what he wanted to do. So Mark got a good job at Haworth (for which we will be eternally grateful) we had health insurance, a good salary, I was able to work part-time and go to school full-time. We easily good have stayed in Holland, Mark enjoyed working at Haworth with his friends, the money was good, I could have continued to go to school and hope to someday get a job in Holland. But I saw the danger in staying....Mark could get to comfortable at Haworth, get promoted, and never have the need to push himself into school. I could find a job there and we'd never have the need to go outside of those circumstances...Not that that is a bad thing, I love my family, friends, church, life back in Holland. But growth hurts, it's uncomfortable, and I knew it was necessary.
Well that's easy to say when you are comfortably sitting near friends and family, but having now spent almost 5 months I can say, very begrudgingly, that it was still the right decision.
Which brings us to number 3
My mental attitude.
Ok for as long as I can remember I have the ability to be COMPLETELY negative I can not only sulk, but I can totally ruin anything for people around me. Some days are more of a battle than others, but lately it's been harder than ever. I think it has something to do with being sick, I've been fighting this awful cold for almost a week and it definitely makes me cranky! And something to do with number 2. I have days where it doesn't matter what someone says to me I am totally irked, annoyed, angry to the point of tears. Those days I think my continual prayer is 'Lord, please don't let me say anything.' 'Lord, please keep my mouth shut.' Etc. Sigh. It is exhausting to try and be nice all day at work to everyone whether I want to or not (such is the game of any job that deals with John Q Public) and then to have to keep myself from being mean at home. My poor hubby, I don't know why he likes me! So I have been trying very hard to make the decision every day to be nice, to be happy, to be positive...it's exhausting. Add that to number 1 and number 2 and some days are rough.
Today was a particularly rough one. I can' really work out because I'm still coughing my lungs up and all. Being away from all things familiar is hard, and I had some work related annoyances thanks to procedure type things that hamstring my ability to do my job successfully. and that makes number 3 SO HARD...anyways I guess that's all.
I'll put a genuine update on the things going on with us. Sorry if I gave anyone the idea that life is just horrible, it's not! I'm super lucky to have an amazing husband, to have a job, to be making friends here, etc. So don't go feeling to bad for us, just wanted to share a little bit about the semi-nerocotic workings of my brain haha.
Love you all
1. Body image/ baby stuff
2. Tough time with the move
3. Mental attitude.
So starting with number 1. I've always had a fairly poor body image. See if you can follow this timeline: in high school I thought I was overweight and ugly.
I went to Basic lost 30-40 pounds, was in the best shape of my life, and got a lot of attention (that sadly I just loved)
I came back and gained all that weight back plus about an extra 15 pounds.
Went overseas for the first time lost 20 pounds
Came back, started dating Mark, got married etc, gained back probably 25-30 pounds
Went overseas again lost 15 pounds
Came back gained back 25
are we noticing a pattern here?
Anyways over all since High School (where I thought I was just awful) I've gained about 50 pounds. Now I look back at pictures from then and want to hit myself (don't even look at pictures from after basic because I literally feel sick). I've fluctuated a ton in these different weight, I find I can work out a ton and not lose weight which is very frustrating. So finding a routine of healthy eating (which I pretty much do, its more a matter of going from healthy eating (balanced) to ultra-healthy (no sugar, no unhealthy carbs, no fats, aka never going to happen) eating).
Something that doesn't help the equation is a husband who is 100% supportive. Weird I know, you'd think that's a good thing. Well it is, sorta. The bad thing is that he is 100% supportive of whatever I want, whether that's ice cream for dinner, or working out every day. Other bad thing, is that said supportive husband actually lost weight when he went to college (so much for the freshman 15) and hasn't really fluctuated more than 10 pounds in the 5 years since we graduated. UGH!!! So I need to work not just on motivation because trust me I KNOW I need to lose weight. I KNOW I will feel better if I work out everyday (supposedly) I KNOW our chanced of having a baby will be greater if I lose weight, I KNOW life in general will be better if I lost at least 30 pounds. The problem comes with getting that motivation to actually do something.
So I've bought a gym membership at a great gym that has a ton of cool classes, a pool for lap swimming, great equipment, etc. But having gotten sick the weekend after getting the membership I have not really made it there. Not that I'm sure that would have really made much difference, I'm sure I would have found some other excuse. So I guess it is something I'll continue to work on, see if I can find someone to be a workout buddy with (because even though my husband is 100% supportive getting his butt to a gym is next to impossible, though the one time I did I totally out swam him which goes to show just because I'm fat I am in some ways in better shape than my skinny hubby) or just whap myself over the head until it sticks in my brain that this is something I need to do for myself.
So onto number 2!
Moving to Arkansas has been far from easy, leaving friends and family and comfortable surroundings in order to move somewhere completely foreign is not really fun. But sometimes what's best for yourself and family is to do the less fun option. When we started living together/got married Mark and I agreed that he would work full-time while I was in school so I could concentrate on getting my degree and Mark could figure out what he wanted to do. So Mark got a good job at Haworth (for which we will be eternally grateful) we had health insurance, a good salary, I was able to work part-time and go to school full-time. We easily good have stayed in Holland, Mark enjoyed working at Haworth with his friends, the money was good, I could have continued to go to school and hope to someday get a job in Holland. But I saw the danger in staying....Mark could get to comfortable at Haworth, get promoted, and never have the need to push himself into school. I could find a job there and we'd never have the need to go outside of those circumstances...Not that that is a bad thing, I love my family, friends, church, life back in Holland. But growth hurts, it's uncomfortable, and I knew it was necessary.
Well that's easy to say when you are comfortably sitting near friends and family, but having now spent almost 5 months I can say, very begrudgingly, that it was still the right decision.
Which brings us to number 3
My mental attitude.
Ok for as long as I can remember I have the ability to be COMPLETELY negative I can not only sulk, but I can totally ruin anything for people around me. Some days are more of a battle than others, but lately it's been harder than ever. I think it has something to do with being sick, I've been fighting this awful cold for almost a week and it definitely makes me cranky! And something to do with number 2. I have days where it doesn't matter what someone says to me I am totally irked, annoyed, angry to the point of tears. Those days I think my continual prayer is 'Lord, please don't let me say anything.' 'Lord, please keep my mouth shut.' Etc. Sigh. It is exhausting to try and be nice all day at work to everyone whether I want to or not (such is the game of any job that deals with John Q Public) and then to have to keep myself from being mean at home. My poor hubby, I don't know why he likes me! So I have been trying very hard to make the decision every day to be nice, to be happy, to be positive...it's exhausting. Add that to number 1 and number 2 and some days are rough.
Today was a particularly rough one. I can' really work out because I'm still coughing my lungs up and all. Being away from all things familiar is hard, and I had some work related annoyances thanks to procedure type things that hamstring my ability to do my job successfully. and that makes number 3 SO HARD...anyways I guess that's all.
I'll put a genuine update on the things going on with us. Sorry if I gave anyone the idea that life is just horrible, it's not! I'm super lucky to have an amazing husband, to have a job, to be making friends here, etc. So don't go feeling to bad for us, just wanted to share a little bit about the semi-nerocotic workings of my brain haha.
Love you all
It's About Time
I know, I know, I know...I've been HORRIBLE about updating. I'm sorry! I promise to do better, in fact today I'll probably do at least two posts today, because I have two very different topics on my mind.
Firstly, I'm really excited to share the video from my St Baldrick's event! It was so amazing, and let me tell you, being bald is very liberating! I was so excited in general to be back in MI and see family and friends, I was impressed by the number of people who actually came to my event! It was very gratifying!! I was especially pleased that my Aunt Cathy was able to come, she even got to be a guest shaver! So far, including the money I've gotten at the event and from people I work with I've made a total of $853 of my $1,000 goal! So if you haven't donated yet, don't worry there is still time. You can still make donations online here or by giving me a check or cash. I'd love to meet my goal, but even if I don't, just think how cool it would be if this money was the tipping point in life saving research!! Yay us!
So to watch the video, the most effective way I've found is by posting it on YouTube. So I shall link it.....Here! :-) Enjoy, and I'd love to know what you think, this was my first attempt at making a video with my Mac's video software, I really enjoyed making it, so I hope you enjoy watching it!
Some days I still really can't believe I did that...I shaved my head...am I absolutely nuts!? probably! But let me tell you, it has been completely worth it, A. my morning routine is seriously cut in half B. I can go swim laps without a swimcap C. my hair never gets in my face/I never have a bad hair day (or every day is a bad hair day depending on how you look at it) D. if it was summer I'd be really comfortable. But honestly the most gratifying moment came when we went out to a local bar with friends to listen to some live music. Firstly at the door the guy checking ID's did a couple double takes looking at my license and up to my head (which was covered with a scarf my grandma gave me) and he looked at me kinda sadly and asked if I'd just finished treatment. I politely said no, that I had done it for an event. He looked happier and thanked me for doing it. If that wasn't touching enough later a lady in maybe her 40's came up and asked the same thing, again I said no that I had done it for a fundraiser, she touched my arm and with tears in her eyes thanked me, and then proceeded to tell me that her hair was just starting to grow back after her battle with breast cancer. I was so honored that she would come and tell me, it was pretty awesome.
Another awesome thing, that it literally brought tears to my eyes, was on Facebook a couple days after I posted the video. I was lucky enough to go to by far the coolest camp ever when I was in middle school and high school. Well I am now Facebook friends with a number of fellow campers, and two of the coolest counselors ever! Anyways after watching my video my awesome former counselor posted this on Facebook.
You know those facebook reposts that go "If you have a sister who'd do anything for you, etc." or "If you have a friend who has been there through thick and thin, etc." then repost?
I was reading this on my Blackberry at our Membership Retreat for work, and I read through most of it and was like aw that's cool, when I got to the part with my name (and the link to my video) I actually teared up! When you're young and you see these people as just the ultimate in cool and grown up, then you grow up and she says something like that, it really makes you think you did something right! Thanks!!!
Love you all,
Nicole
PS- send your kids to camp so they can have that same experience! :-D
Firstly, I'm really excited to share the video from my St Baldrick's event! It was so amazing, and let me tell you, being bald is very liberating! I was so excited in general to be back in MI and see family and friends, I was impressed by the number of people who actually came to my event! It was very gratifying!! I was especially pleased that my Aunt Cathy was able to come, she even got to be a guest shaver! So far, including the money I've gotten at the event and from people I work with I've made a total of $853 of my $1,000 goal! So if you haven't donated yet, don't worry there is still time. You can still make donations online here or by giving me a check or cash. I'd love to meet my goal, but even if I don't, just think how cool it would be if this money was the tipping point in life saving research!! Yay us!
So to watch the video, the most effective way I've found is by posting it on YouTube. So I shall link it.....Here! :-) Enjoy, and I'd love to know what you think, this was my first attempt at making a video with my Mac's video software, I really enjoyed making it, so I hope you enjoy watching it!
Some days I still really can't believe I did that...I shaved my head...am I absolutely nuts!? probably! But let me tell you, it has been completely worth it, A. my morning routine is seriously cut in half B. I can go swim laps without a swimcap C. my hair never gets in my face/I never have a bad hair day (or every day is a bad hair day depending on how you look at it) D. if it was summer I'd be really comfortable. But honestly the most gratifying moment came when we went out to a local bar with friends to listen to some live music. Firstly at the door the guy checking ID's did a couple double takes looking at my license and up to my head (which was covered with a scarf my grandma gave me) and he looked at me kinda sadly and asked if I'd just finished treatment. I politely said no, that I had done it for an event. He looked happier and thanked me for doing it. If that wasn't touching enough later a lady in maybe her 40's came up and asked the same thing, again I said no that I had done it for a fundraiser, she touched my arm and with tears in her eyes thanked me, and then proceeded to tell me that her hair was just starting to grow back after her battle with breast cancer. I was so honored that she would come and tell me, it was pretty awesome.
Another awesome thing, that it literally brought tears to my eyes, was on Facebook a couple days after I posted the video. I was lucky enough to go to by far the coolest camp ever when I was in middle school and high school. Well I am now Facebook friends with a number of fellow campers, and two of the coolest counselors ever! Anyways after watching my video my awesome former counselor posted this on Facebook.
You know those facebook reposts that go "If you have a sister who'd do anything for you, etc." or "If you have a friend who has been there through thick and thin, etc." then repost?
Well, I'm starting a new one...If you have a church camp camper who has done things that amaze you and make you proud, someone who has become so strong and giving that they are now someone YOU look up to, tell them how proud of them you are and tell the world what they are fighting for. I have many of those former camper, and here's the latest. Nicole Brooks , you rock!
I was reading this on my Blackberry at our Membership Retreat for work, and I read through most of it and was like aw that's cool, when I got to the part with my name (and the link to my video) I actually teared up! When you're young and you see these people as just the ultimate in cool and grown up, then you grow up and she says something like that, it really makes you think you did something right! Thanks!!!
Love you all,
Nicole
PS- send your kids to camp so they can have that same experience! :-D
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