Making a Choice...

Part of the reason it has been so long since updating the blog is because I've been sorting through a lot of stuff in my mind. 3 things mostly:

1. Body image/ baby stuff
2. Tough time with the move
3. Mental attitude.

So starting with number 1. I've always had a fairly poor body image. See if you can follow this timeline: in high school I thought I was overweight and ugly.
I went to Basic lost 30-40 pounds, was in the best shape of my life, and got a lot of attention (that sadly I just loved)
I came back and gained all that weight back plus about an extra 15 pounds.
Went overseas for the first time lost 20 pounds
Came back, started dating Mark, got married etc, gained back probably 25-30 pounds
Went overseas again lost 15 pounds
Came back gained back 25

are we noticing a pattern here?

Anyways over all since High School (where I thought I was just awful) I've gained about 50 pounds. Now I look back at pictures from then and want to hit myself (don't even look at pictures from after basic because I literally feel sick). I've fluctuated a ton in these different weight, I find I can work out a ton and not lose weight which is very frustrating. So finding a routine of healthy eating (which I pretty much do, its more a matter of going from healthy eating (balanced) to ultra-healthy (no sugar, no unhealthy carbs, no fats, aka never going to happen) eating).
Something that doesn't help the equation is a husband who is 100% supportive. Weird I know, you'd think that's a good thing. Well it is, sorta. The bad thing is that he is 100% supportive of whatever I want, whether that's ice cream for dinner, or working out every day. Other bad thing, is that said supportive husband actually lost weight when he went to college (so much for the freshman 15) and hasn't really fluctuated more than 10 pounds in the 5 years since we graduated. UGH!!! So I need to work not just on motivation because trust me I KNOW I need to lose weight. I KNOW I will feel better if I work out everyday (supposedly) I KNOW our chanced of having a baby will be greater if I lose weight, I KNOW life in general will be better if I lost at least 30 pounds. The problem comes with getting that motivation to actually do something.
So I've bought a gym membership at a great gym that has a ton of cool classes, a pool for lap swimming, great equipment, etc. But having gotten sick the weekend after getting the membership I have not really made it there. Not that I'm sure that would have really made much difference, I'm sure I would have found some other excuse. So I guess it is something I'll continue to work on, see if I can find someone to be  a workout buddy with (because even though my husband is 100% supportive getting his butt to a gym is next to impossible, though the one time I did I totally out swam him which goes to show just because I'm fat I am in some ways in better shape than my skinny hubby) or just whap myself over the head until it sticks in my brain that this is something I need to do for myself.

So onto number 2!

Moving to Arkansas has been far from easy, leaving friends and family and comfortable surroundings in order to move somewhere completely foreign is not really fun. But sometimes what's best for yourself and family is to do the less fun option. When we started living together/got married Mark and I agreed that he would work full-time while I was in school so I could concentrate on getting my degree and Mark could figure out what he wanted to do. So Mark got a good job at Haworth (for which we will be eternally grateful) we had health insurance, a good salary, I was able to work part-time and go to school full-time. We easily good have stayed in Holland, Mark enjoyed working at Haworth with his friends, the money was good, I could have continued to go to school and hope to someday get a job in Holland. But I saw the danger in staying....Mark could get to comfortable at Haworth, get promoted, and never have the need to push himself into school. I could find a job there and we'd never have the need to go outside of those circumstances...Not that that is a bad thing, I love my family, friends, church, life back in Holland. But growth hurts, it's uncomfortable, and I knew it was necessary.
Well that's easy to say when you are comfortably sitting near friends and family, but having now spent almost 5 months I can say, very begrudgingly, that it was still the right decision.

Which brings us to number 3

My mental attitude.
Ok for as long as I can remember I have the ability to be COMPLETELY negative I can not only sulk, but I can totally ruin anything for people around me. Some days are more of a battle than others, but lately it's been harder than ever. I think it has something to do with being sick, I've been fighting this awful cold for almost a week and it definitely makes me cranky! And something to do with number 2. I have days where it doesn't matter what someone says to me I am totally irked, annoyed, angry to the point of tears. Those days I think my continual prayer is 'Lord, please don't let me say anything.' 'Lord, please keep my mouth shut.' Etc. Sigh. It is exhausting to try and be nice all day at work to everyone whether I want to or not (such is the game of any job that deals with John Q Public) and then to have to keep myself from being mean at home. My poor hubby, I don't know why he likes me! So I have been trying very hard to make the decision every day to be nice, to be happy, to be positive...it's exhausting. Add that to number 1 and number 2 and some days are rough.
Today was a particularly rough one. I can' really work out because I'm still coughing my lungs up and all. Being away from all things familiar is hard, and I had some work related annoyances thanks to procedure type things that hamstring my ability to do my job successfully. and that makes number 3 SO HARD...anyways I guess that's all.

I'll put a genuine update on the things going on with us. Sorry if I gave anyone the idea that life is just horrible, it's not! I'm super lucky to have an amazing husband, to have a job, to be making friends here, etc. So don't go feeling to bad for us, just wanted to share a little bit about the semi-nerocotic workings of my brain haha.
Love you all