Merry Christmas

I hope everyone had a really nice Christmas! We did our best to keep up traditions (and make some new ones) down here as well! Work was really boring last week, because we were so slow! So me and the two other MMS's helped our shop person re-arrange and restock everything, then it was Tuesday haha j/k that did keep us busy (and warm) for a couple days! By the way, our building is SO weird, upstairs it will be hotter than ever but downstairs we're all bundled up in our coats and scarves and hats (particularly me with the hats) and there seems to be nothing we can do! Luckily when I was cleaning out the closet next to my office I found a space heater!! SCORE! So now we all take turns using it to heat up our offices. The only problem is that is is ancient and super loud so when it is your turn to warm up you can't hear anything going on! So by Thursday we were bouncing off the walls! Particularly because our monthly newsletter had said we'd be closed the 23-3, well we were open on the 23rd but no one made a correction so we only had about 3 people come in all day! It was the slowest day ever! But finally 5:30 rolled around and I got to go home and start getting ready for Christmas Eve!
Now I must explain...In my family Christmas Eve has always been a pretty big day. When we were little we'd go to church and then everyone (on my mom's side of the family) would all meet up at my Grandma's house and have lasagna (no idea how we got started on that as our traditional meal but I won't complain it's the BEST) and open presents and just have fun together as a family. After my Grandma passed away things changed, mostly we started meeting downstate, usually at my mom's or my aunts house. We still got together, still had lasagna, but it wasn't quite the same....last year we had our last big family get together at my cousins house. It was nice to have that time together with everyone particularly because my cousin passed away a month later :-( so that brings us to this year. A year that was going to be tough regardless, but was made even worse because Mark and I couldn't afford to fly home for the holidays. So we were determined to make the best of it!
Since I don't know how to cook for just two people I knew there would be plenty of food so we invited some people to come over. I invited two co-workers and their families, and Mark invited one of his co-workers. Well only one of my co-workers ended up coming, but she brought her husband and daughter. So I spent the day making my very first lasagna! And it was AWESOME! Mark helped me clean the house and childproof our guestroom (their daughter is 3) and we were set. Since we were hosting they invited us to go to church with them, which was a really nice Baptist candlelight service, it reminded me a lot of the services from my childhood. And then we went back to our house!
It was really fun to get to hang out, the girls shared a bottle of wine, the boys a Sam Adam's winter mix and we just sat around our counter (cause we have no table still) and enjoyed good food and good company!
After they went home Mark and I opened presents from my sister and brother-in-law and Mark's mom and he stayed up playing the new game Rachel got him (which thankfully was not the same one I had gotten him!) and I went to bed!! The next morning we got up and opened our presents to each other (first time in 3 years we've been able to open our presents Christmas morning, we always had to do Christmas Eve morning because of all our family commitments) and then lazed around and ate leftovers!! It was a great day! I got SUPER spoiled like usual! I was really nice to Mark this year, I never give him a list, I figure if there is anyone who should know me well enough to know what to get it would be him! But this year I did give him a lot of hints and he caught them all! I got a new picture frame/pencil holder for my desk at work, a new Nancy Drew game (cause I  LOVE them), a new shelf for the apartment, an awesome Ipod player that I can hook my Ipod into and it'll play through the speakers and it has a remote! It's awesome! and then the best gift of all, Mark painted me 4 pictures! They were on smaller canvases and each one is a different flower (not his typical art, but cause he loves me he did an amazing job!) the main focus of the picture is the painted flower, and then he used pastels to do the background! I love them so much! He is taking a painting class this semester I can't wait to see what he does after that!
So that was our Christmas, it was nice, relaxing, full of food and presents and friends, and of course love! We're still waiting on another box from my parents (woohoo extended Christmas hehe) and then our Christmas will be done! But for being so far away it wasn't so bad, other than missing everyone so much! Hope everyone else had a great Christmas as well!

Love you all,
Nicole

Making a Choice...

Part of the reason it has been so long since updating the blog is because I've been sorting through a lot of stuff in my mind. 3 things mostly:

1. Body image/ baby stuff
2. Tough time with the move
3. Mental attitude.

So starting with number 1. I've always had a fairly poor body image. See if you can follow this timeline: in high school I thought I was overweight and ugly.
I went to Basic lost 30-40 pounds, was in the best shape of my life, and got a lot of attention (that sadly I just loved)
I came back and gained all that weight back plus about an extra 15 pounds.
Went overseas for the first time lost 20 pounds
Came back, started dating Mark, got married etc, gained back probably 25-30 pounds
Went overseas again lost 15 pounds
Came back gained back 25

are we noticing a pattern here?

Anyways over all since High School (where I thought I was just awful) I've gained about 50 pounds. Now I look back at pictures from then and want to hit myself (don't even look at pictures from after basic because I literally feel sick). I've fluctuated a ton in these different weight, I find I can work out a ton and not lose weight which is very frustrating. So finding a routine of healthy eating (which I pretty much do, its more a matter of going from healthy eating (balanced) to ultra-healthy (no sugar, no unhealthy carbs, no fats, aka never going to happen) eating).
Something that doesn't help the equation is a husband who is 100% supportive. Weird I know, you'd think that's a good thing. Well it is, sorta. The bad thing is that he is 100% supportive of whatever I want, whether that's ice cream for dinner, or working out every day. Other bad thing, is that said supportive husband actually lost weight when he went to college (so much for the freshman 15) and hasn't really fluctuated more than 10 pounds in the 5 years since we graduated. UGH!!! So I need to work not just on motivation because trust me I KNOW I need to lose weight. I KNOW I will feel better if I work out everyday (supposedly) I KNOW our chanced of having a baby will be greater if I lose weight, I KNOW life in general will be better if I lost at least 30 pounds. The problem comes with getting that motivation to actually do something.
So I've bought a gym membership at a great gym that has a ton of cool classes, a pool for lap swimming, great equipment, etc. But having gotten sick the weekend after getting the membership I have not really made it there. Not that I'm sure that would have really made much difference, I'm sure I would have found some other excuse. So I guess it is something I'll continue to work on, see if I can find someone to be  a workout buddy with (because even though my husband is 100% supportive getting his butt to a gym is next to impossible, though the one time I did I totally out swam him which goes to show just because I'm fat I am in some ways in better shape than my skinny hubby) or just whap myself over the head until it sticks in my brain that this is something I need to do for myself.

So onto number 2!

Moving to Arkansas has been far from easy, leaving friends and family and comfortable surroundings in order to move somewhere completely foreign is not really fun. But sometimes what's best for yourself and family is to do the less fun option. When we started living together/got married Mark and I agreed that he would work full-time while I was in school so I could concentrate on getting my degree and Mark could figure out what he wanted to do. So Mark got a good job at Haworth (for which we will be eternally grateful) we had health insurance, a good salary, I was able to work part-time and go to school full-time. We easily good have stayed in Holland, Mark enjoyed working at Haworth with his friends, the money was good, I could have continued to go to school and hope to someday get a job in Holland. But I saw the danger in staying....Mark could get to comfortable at Haworth, get promoted, and never have the need to push himself into school. I could find a job there and we'd never have the need to go outside of those circumstances...Not that that is a bad thing, I love my family, friends, church, life back in Holland. But growth hurts, it's uncomfortable, and I knew it was necessary.
Well that's easy to say when you are comfortably sitting near friends and family, but having now spent almost 5 months I can say, very begrudgingly, that it was still the right decision.

Which brings us to number 3

My mental attitude.
Ok for as long as I can remember I have the ability to be COMPLETELY negative I can not only sulk, but I can totally ruin anything for people around me. Some days are more of a battle than others, but lately it's been harder than ever. I think it has something to do with being sick, I've been fighting this awful cold for almost a week and it definitely makes me cranky! And something to do with number 2. I have days where it doesn't matter what someone says to me I am totally irked, annoyed, angry to the point of tears. Those days I think my continual prayer is 'Lord, please don't let me say anything.' 'Lord, please keep my mouth shut.' Etc. Sigh. It is exhausting to try and be nice all day at work to everyone whether I want to or not (such is the game of any job that deals with John Q Public) and then to have to keep myself from being mean at home. My poor hubby, I don't know why he likes me! So I have been trying very hard to make the decision every day to be nice, to be happy, to be positive...it's exhausting. Add that to number 1 and number 2 and some days are rough.
Today was a particularly rough one. I can' really work out because I'm still coughing my lungs up and all. Being away from all things familiar is hard, and I had some work related annoyances thanks to procedure type things that hamstring my ability to do my job successfully. and that makes number 3 SO HARD...anyways I guess that's all.

I'll put a genuine update on the things going on with us. Sorry if I gave anyone the idea that life is just horrible, it's not! I'm super lucky to have an amazing husband, to have a job, to be making friends here, etc. So don't go feeling to bad for us, just wanted to share a little bit about the semi-nerocotic workings of my brain haha.
Love you all

It's About Time

I know, I know, I know...I've been HORRIBLE about updating. I'm sorry! I promise to do better, in fact today I'll probably do at least two posts today, because I have two very different topics on my mind.
Firstly, I'm really excited to share the video from my St Baldrick's event! It was so amazing, and let me tell you, being bald is very liberating! I was so excited in general to be back in MI and see family and friends, I was impressed by the number of people who actually came to my event! It was very gratifying!! I was especially pleased that my Aunt Cathy was able to come, she even got to be a guest shaver! So far, including the money I've gotten at the event and from people I work with I've made a total of $853 of my $1,000 goal! So if you haven't donated yet, don't worry there is still time. You can still make donations online here or by giving me a check or cash. I'd love to meet my goal, but even if I don't, just think how cool it would be if this money was the tipping point in life saving research!! Yay us!
So to watch the video, the most effective way I've found is by posting it on YouTube. So I shall link it.....Here! :-) Enjoy, and I'd love to know what you think, this was my first attempt at making a video with my Mac's video software, I really enjoyed making it, so I hope you enjoy watching it!
Some days I still really can't believe I did that...I shaved my head...am I absolutely nuts!? probably! But let me tell you, it has been completely worth it, A. my morning routine is seriously cut in half B. I can go swim laps without a swimcap C. my hair never gets in my face/I never have a bad hair day (or every day is a bad hair day depending on how you look at it) D. if it was summer I'd be really comfortable. But honestly the most gratifying moment came when we went out to a local bar with friends to listen to some live music. Firstly at the door the guy checking ID's did a couple double takes looking at my license and up to my head (which was covered with a scarf my grandma gave me) and he looked at me kinda sadly and asked if I'd just finished treatment. I politely said no, that I had done it for an event. He looked happier and thanked me for doing it. If that wasn't touching enough later a lady in maybe her 40's came up and asked the same thing, again I said no that I had done it for a fundraiser, she touched my arm and with tears in her eyes thanked me, and then proceeded to tell me that her hair was just starting to grow back after her battle with breast cancer. I was so honored that she would come and tell me, it was pretty awesome.
Another awesome thing, that it literally brought tears to my eyes, was on Facebook a couple days after I posted the video. I was lucky enough to go to by far the coolest camp ever when I was in middle school and high school. Well I am now Facebook friends with a number of fellow campers, and two of the coolest counselors ever! Anyways after watching my video my awesome former counselor posted this on Facebook.

 You know those facebook reposts that go "If you have a sister who'd do anything for you, etc." or "If you have a friend who has been there through thick and thin, etc." then repost?

Well, I'm starting a new one...If you have a church camp camper who has done things that amaze you and make you proud, someone who has become so strong and giving that they are now someone YOU look up to, tell them how proud of them you are and tell the world what they are fighting for. I have many of those former camper, and here's the latest. Nicole Brooks , you rock!

I was reading this on my Blackberry at our Membership Retreat for work, and I read through most of it and was like aw that's cool, when I got to the part with my name (and the link to my video) I actually teared up! When you're young and you see these people as just the ultimate in cool and grown up, then you grow up and she says something like that, it really makes you think you did something right! Thanks!!!

Love you all,
Nicole

PS- send your kids to camp so they can have that same experience! :-D

Betty Crocker, Eat Your Heart Out!

So Mark finally made it here safe and sound! Woohoo! And with him came all of my lovely possessions that I had been missing for the last two months! I mean it, I have some nice stuff that I really enjoy being able to use! And since we had originally anticipated it only being two weeks before I got my stuff I had not brought as much variety of things with me!! So needless to say I've been genuinely enjoying opening boxes and getting re-acquainted with my things! And as anyone who knows me will say, I have ALOT of things. The two largest categories of stuff would be books and kitchen stuff. Now since I have invested in the amazing Amazon Kindle I've been working to transfer my larger number of books to electronic versions, right now I'm up to about 165 books on my Kindle!! And love it!! But that's for another post because I seriously should be a salesperson for Kindle's.
On the other hand, I have been working to stock my kitchen since I was in high school! I seriously could not wait for the time when I would have a kitchen of my own to fill! My mom's kitchen took a serious hit the day I moved out haha! And since I have finally been reunited with my many boxes of kitchen stuff it has been heaven! It is seriously the only room in the apartment we have totally unpacked! That is mostly due to the fact that we really haven't bought furniture yet, so there are no dressers for clothes, book cases for my many books, dvd stands for our many movies....you get the picture. But we have been blessed with an amazing kitchen! Seriously it's the best one I've had yet and I've had 5 kitchens! It's large, it's got TONS of cupboards/drawers, there is miles of counters, and plenty of storage in our laundry room for all the many things I own!! So naturally the first thing I wanted to do was break it in! And so I did! For work we were going to be leaving ridiculously (5am!! which is insanely early for me!) to go to an event in Little Rock, and if I have to be up at 5am than there had better be some serious sugar involved!! So I made cinnamon rolls!! And they turned out fabulously and I seriously became the most popular person that morning when I showed up to carpool with enough cinnamon rolls for everyone!!mmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!! haha

Well after giving everyone a taste of my cinnamon rolls I asked what they would enjoy trying next! Because my baking bug had seriously bitten! I think they might have been teasing just a little when they asked for donuts but luckily for everyone involved I happen to have an amazing recipe for donuts from someone from high school! So Monday morning I rolled in with homemade donuts!! Sadly I forgot to take a picture of them and they were gone by lunchtime!! A couple days later I was lucky enough to have been home by 6pm, which considering I ended up working almost 60hrs that week is amazing!!  So of course I made an apple pie haha cause who wouldn't do that when they get home early!! For those of you who haven't had my dutch apple pie you are seriously missing out, because I honestly think it is the best thing I make!! And Wal-Mart was nice enough to stock MI apples for me! HAHA  the pie was also a hit and that works for me because this holiday season I'm looking to make some extra cash by selling my pies to people who don't want to bake their own for the holidays and word of mouth is my best possible advertisement! Sadly I also forgot to take a picture of the finished pie, but trust me when I say it was YUMMY!! Tonight I just got done making banana bread to take in tomorrow, since I didn't work today *benefit of a 60hr week last week is a comp day today!

I've honestly figured that if money was no issue I would live in a town, with a thriving downtown community (hm like Holland haha) and own a small pie shop. Just serve different kinds of pies and coffee/tea just a casual cool hang out with awesome pies! That's honestly like my dream. But since I'm not likely to win the lottery *since I don't play it haha* I'll just content myself with baking yummy treats and sharing them with work, and maybe selling a few on the side. Someday when Mark and I own our bed and breakfast I'll be stoked to take care of all the baking there!

Oh Baby

My own design

So it's been a pretty exciting last couple weeks for baby's in the family/friends. My cousin and his wife gave birth to their son a couple days before my birthday! He's adorable, my cousin's wife is short like me and my cousin is, well a giant, so she's an absolute champ to even want to have kids with someone like that! And they made an adorable little boy! Other baby news is two friends of ours from Holland also gave birth to a boy a couple days after my birthday...apparently no one wanted to share my birthday with me haha which is good cause these boys are two cute they'd totally overshadow my birthday.... I love my birthday if you hadn't noticed! Anyways our friends ended up going in for c-section and gave birth a few weeks early so their boy is still in the hospital, but lots of people are praying for him and I know he'll be fine soon and home with his great parents! It's very exciting, because I love babies! Especially now that I've discovered my love of quilting baby blankets!!! I'll post pictures of the one's I've done so far, after they've been given to their owners since I don't want to ruin the surprise! But I have got this picture of one I'm working on right now that I'm not sure where it's going to go.

My cupcake!!

So speaking of my birthday!! It was a pretty good day, which actually started with the perfect weekend cause my mommy came and visited me! I got up and went to work and there was a cupcake and card from the other people in my office! Which was ridiculously nice if you ask me, but of course I'd been telling everyone for a week that it was going to be my birthday haha so I don't think it was possible they'd forget.

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So I got to enjoy a yummy chocolate cupcake, and someone else brought in blueberry cake in to the kitchen, but I don't know who there was just a note on it saying Happy Birthday Nicole. I was very touched by the card to because everyone signed it, little things really make me smile!! So while I was working hard on making Girl Scouts available to girls everywhere in Northwest Arkansas, my wonderful, amazing, awesome, fabulous, sweet,
 kind, smart, clever, creative husband had flowers delivered to me!! and they were beautiful! And not only that, my above mentioned husband had them specially designed and wrote me exactly what they meant! Of course I'm keeping that part private because it was to amazing to share with ya'll, but just now I got the best husband in the world! After that I had leftovers from my mom's wonderful dinner she made me for lunch, and went back to work, I had an event up in Pea Ridge which is near the Missouri border and my wonderful team of volunteers there signed up 32 girls for Girl Scouts!! it was a great event, that ran like clockwork! My volunteer up there has been a leader for 17 years!! That's dedication and I'm always amazed by the work she puts into this program and she does it without getting paid! While working a full time job and have a house built by Habitat for Humanity! I love my volunteers! I couldn't do my job without them, and I tell them that a  lot!

So I'm getting really excited because my husband will be getting here in like a week, maybe a little less! It's going to be so nice to see him! We're getting to good at being apart and I don't like that at all! Sadly that weekend I have to go to Little Rock for a work thing :-( but we're getting two movers for two hours to help unload the truck on Friday. And when I get home Saturday night I'll have all my stuff and my hubby, life is good!
So that's about it for now, I'll have more posts later about other stuff that's still percolating in my brain, but I'm good for now :-) and in honor of the adorable little boys that have graced the world with their presence I'm posting these two pictures of these adorable outfits mom and I found at the mall when she was down, (plus they really helped get her on my side about wanting boys ;-D)

Plaid is ADORABLE!! And the shoes match!

Little Carhart! Come on how cute!

Adoption Meeting

So last night I went to the adoption/foster care orientation meeting here in Fayetteville....I still don't quite know how I feel about it other than I certainly miss our Bethany caseworker! I did not get the most welcoming and inviting feeling last night, and maybe it was because I was highly disappointed with the thoughts/actions of the other people in the meeting that colored the experience for me but it just didn't feel right. On top of that I guess the process here is equally easier and harder than back in Michigan. There are physically less children in the system here which makes the process longer. I was more intrigued by the idea of foster care though.
The process works along the same lines here as in Michigan in that we'd go through the initial application/background check/fingerprinting than move on to the classroom training and finish with the home-study. But because the system here does not get contracted out from the beginning our initial application would be done by one person, training by an outside contract, and finally home-study done by a third person. I don't really know how I feel about that, I take back everything I said about MI contracting out the whole process to BCS! I would love to have just one person who'll be there with us from start to finish like in Michigan and not feel like I'm playing hot-potato with a bunch of different caseworkers all of whom have way to high a caseload to care about us individually......like I said I was just not overcome with love for the whole thing last night.
That being said we aren't taking adoption off the table, but even if we were to jump headlong into the process again it would be up to 2 years before we could even get a placement and I don't know how I feel about that. I mean heck pregnant people only have to wait 9 months why do I have to wait 2 years! I am just feeling very discouraged about the whole thing right now. One thing I forgot to mention in my review of Hannah's Hope was the discussion of how mothering doesn't have to just mean having a child. I love to volunteer and spend time with kids anyways so does that mean God has a plan for us to make a difference in the lives of children through some other way? I don't know right now, all I know is I am not a patient person and I really have to work on that.
I do know that I am definitely re-committed to my intentions not to take fertility treatments to an extreme. Let me explain.....for Mark and I our fertility issues stem from my diagnosis with PCOS. Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome is something that causes the body, for whatever reason, to not ovulate. It is sorta a disease that doctors don't know a whole lot about. It may or may not be linked to genetics, there seems to be some connection to insulin levels though they don't know how, and women can be given a diagnosis of PCOS with or without actual cysts (I'm part of the lucky ones to actually have cysts woohoo lucky me...not). Like I've said before the irony with PCOS is that a lot of the symptoms can be managed with oral birth-control. It helps to stabilize weight, produce regular (or in my case semi-regular) ovulation, reduce mood issues, and just in general make life nicer.My doctor and I have been trying to find a weight that is best for me. If I weight to little I don't ovulate, if I weigh to much I don't ovulate. We haven't quite figured out what my ideal weight for getting pregnant is, but I know it's less than I weight now which is a whole other struggle for me. The part of the diagnosis that scares me the most is the higher chances for miscarriage. I know enough about myself to know I could not handle that physically or emotionally.

Sorry this is all a little random.....

There is more I want to talk about but right now my thoughts are kinda scattered, I think later this week I'll post a little more about what the infertility journey for Mark and I looks like, but for now I'm going to enjoy my long weekend, and try not to think about any of this.
Love you all

Hannah's Hope

I finished reading Hannah's Hope last night.......It was an excellent book and I highly recommend it to everyone. Not just people dealing with the pain of infertility, miscarriage, or adoption loss. There are excellent sections in this book called Burden Bearers which gives wonderful advice to people who interact with others who may be facing this issue. And considering that 1 in 6 American couples will face this problem, well you do the math, pretty easy to figure out that there is more than likely one or more couples in your life right now dealing with this. Some may not be as vocal about it as I am, but they are still there. The book follows along the story of Hannah, the mother of Samuel. The author takes the passages from the bible and infuses a story along with it to expand upon it based one her own experiences dealing with infertility. It was really my favorite part of the book because I so understood the feelings/thoughts that she had placed upon Hannah. Of course we will never know exactly what Hannah felt/thought through that time but given the importance of children in ancient Israel it is not hard to believe.
As I said at the end of each chapter there is the section called Burden Bearers, I think that was my second favorite part because it helped me to understand what I feel, and maybe how to help me verbalize that to 'normal' people. It also helped me to keep in perspective that people don't generally say or do things to be intentionally cruel, and I recognize the fact that I may take things a little to personally....no the woman at wal-mart is not intentionally pregnant just to hurt my feelings, no the cashier is not being cruel when she asks about how many kids I have when I'm purchasing stuff for the other children in my life, and no Mother's Day and Father's Day were not created to remind me we have no children! Being able to read Jennifer's personal journey with those same issues was something I was able to connect with, her stories of not being able to sit through a Mother's Day service at church, or the child dedications was eerie in the similarity to the struggle's Mark and I feel at those same occasions.
My only complaint about this book is that is came from a woman on the other side. Jennifer and her husband have successfully had two children and while I don't think it discredits her book, I would like to read something on fertility by someone who has never seen the otherside. I just started ready Baby Hunger and its the same thing the author dealt with years of struggle and now has two kids, where is the book by someone who dealt with years of infertility and never got to the otherside? I dunno. But Hannah's Hope is a wonderful book that everyone should read and I highly recommend it!