The End

With us moving back to Michigan from Arkansas we've had to make a lot of decisions about our life from this point forward....do we start right back up with fertility treatments, which would mean looking at the next level of treatments since my body was not responding to this level....do we go back to adoption through Bethany Christian Services....do we just stop all of it....
My heart had been in turmoil about all of it...I've never felt really comfortable with the fertility treatments but if they worked in my mind it was worth it....but they aren't working and I definitely do not want to go to the next step....Adoption is important to me and I really want to grow my family in that way, but is not the right time? Are we at the right place in our lives...before we moved to Arkansas I would have said wholeheartedly yes....but I couldn't be so sure now....Add to that the stress of moving, starting a new job, life, and everything else that is going on it's been a bit of a crazy couple weeks for me particularly....So yesterday I took some time to meet with our pastor, who also happens to be a friend of ours, and we talked and prayed and I really came out with a sense of clarity and calmness that I have not felt in a long while....So I then took some more time, went to the beach...felt the sand between my toes, listened to the waves that were so loud I couldn't hear anything else and really searched my heart....So now I am here to tell you that Mark and I are giving up control over fertility...if God grants us a child through pregnancy.....we'll praise him...if God doesn't grant us a child....we'll praise him. No matter what happens from this point forward we're letting go. I'm going to work with my doctor to figure out a plan to get my body back to normal, most likely through the use of the pill, and we're going to take time to focus on our marriage and being the best aunt and uncle ever. To all of you who have been through this journey with us, thank you...your kindness and prayers and love are so appreciated, and I hope you'll continue to pray for us as we grieve...While I feel at peace with this decision in a way I haven't felt in a long time, the grief is still there, and I don't think that will go away anytime soon. Of course I'll continue to update you all on our lives, my new job, our new adventure in Alpena, but for now this is the end of our journey with fertility......

Love you all,
Nicole

Alpena

So, my mom and I went up to Alpena yesterday and spent the night and spent all day today looking around the town and looking at a couple of rentals....The town made good impressions, its right on Lake Huron and is quite pretty, there is also a very nice downtown which is important to me and there are plenty of big box stores so really there isn't anything we would need elsewhere. As for the rentals, the first one we looked at was one that I found on Craiglists last night about two minutes after it was posted. We talked to the owner and he suggested we drive out and see it first and then let him know if we wanted it...so we did, it was small and we weren't totally impressed but decided we might as well see it. So today it was the first one we saw, and it actually ended up being the one we went with because the inside really made up for the lackluster exterior. It's two bedrooms one bath all new flooring, new bathroom, washer and dryer, will be a new fridge and a nice stove when he gets them put in. It has a one car garage which I will be loving in the winter and the landlord was really willing to be flexible on the lease terms and allowing our puppy! So it was a win-win situation and I'm looking forward to getting all of our stuff up there and getting settled.
From the other rentals we saw, one scared the heck out of us (smelled like cat pee and the landlady was not someone you'd want to meet in a dark alley!) and the other one was really neat. I loved the architecture of it (super high ceilings and neat details) but it was more of a house I'd want to buy and put time and money into rather than live there...it was a half a house so we would have people above us and there was no garage or washer and dryer. So we ended up with the first rental and I'm happy with it.
I'll be working in Traverse City on Monday and then spending the rest of the week working from my mom's house doing research on my communities and learning all of the policies for my new council! Then Friday I'll be flying out to Arkansas and picking up the rental truck and starting to get it filled, finishing that on Saturday, going to my friends wedding and spending some quality time with my friends before leaving bright and early Sunday morning! Gonna be a long trip, it took me about 13 hours when I did it, stopping only occasionally for gas/a walk break, but it's going to be quite a bit longer this time because of the rental truck and having to stop and give Guinness plenty of opportunities to run around and such....ugh two cross country trips in as many weeks...and then add on the 4+ hour trip to Alpena. But we won't be doing that until Monday...we'll spend the night Sunday at my parents house, pick up my car and then do that trek....
That's all for updates for now... :-)

Another First Day

So tomorrow is my first day at my new job as a Membership and Community Development Manager for the Girl Scouts Michigan Shore to Shore!!! YIKES I know I know you guys probably have whiplash from our multiple cross-country moves in less than a year, but honestly it was worth it! In Arkansas I got the experience my resume had been lacking, a chance to live in a whole other state *which felt like a whole other country* meet some amazing people, and learn alot about myself.....Now in Michigan I will get the chance to continue doing the work that I love doing, be closer to family and get the added opportunity/challenge of working from home. So we're both really excited, we'll actually be splitting the distance between our UP families and our Zeeland/Holland families. Which is very exciting because that means we'll be a lot closer to my God Daughter!!! YAY!!
But while neither of us really cared for Fayetteville itself I am super sad to be leaving our friends that we made there. Mark always has a really easy time making friends, me not so much. I make a lot of acquaintances, but count very few people as true friends...In AR I actually made some true friends that are amazing people, and I'm very sad to leave them! I just hope that my first day at GSMISTS goes as well as my first day with the Diamonds council, though I am positive there are no co-workers as awesome as the two who started with me at Diamonds hopefully I'll get lucky twice! There is another girl starting the same day as me so at least I wont be the only new kid on the block! Sad thing about working out-based though is I won't get to interact with my co-workers as much so I'll have to find other ways to make friends...blah....oh well I have a very awesome week filled with training and meeting and touring and I get to stay with my mom all week so yay! We're going up next weekend to look at rentals and even one house that I really like, so not sure how that is going to work, I might end up working next week at my parents house so that I'll have access to the net, but that is to be determined. I go back to Arkansas on the 20th for two things...1 a wedding for a very awesome couple and 2. to get my stuff, my dog, and my hubby and drive the 13 hours trip AGAIN....sigh....luckily with so many people moving OUT of Michigan we were able to get a REALLY good deal on the moving truck coming IN to Michigan. Literally we're spending half as much on the truck, plus adding a tow option for our other vehicle! YAY, add to that the fact I'm staying with my parents this transition instead of a hotel, and that the cost of living in Alpena is much cheaper we are seriously coming ahead on this move! Oh yeah and I got a raise! WOOHOO to not being as poor!


In other news on Friday I had my last baby day appointment, and it went pretty much as expected...my body sucks....there was some follicle development but it was smaller than the last time so they really weren't expected to go anywhere :-( even though I had prepared for that answer, it still sucked...the doctor was ready to start talking other options, inject-able hormones, steroids, in-vetro. But because of the move I politely declined and got my records so we can make a decision later...I think that what we're going to do is let my body go back to normal...do oral birth control and even out my hormones so that I can stop breaking out like a 12 year old, get back to my normal weight and just be happy in my body again! and hopefully that will help kickstart my ovaries...not likely but at least I won't feel like a pimply beached whale! And we're back in the area of Bethany Christian Services so that option might be re-visited...I definitely know that we'll be giving it a little time, I need to get my head screwed back on straight. It's hard to make decisions about things when you're a hormone mood swingy mess. I have no idea any more what thoughts/ideas/etc are my own and what are caused by the medications...it's not a nice feeling to have a head like that...I'll get to concentrate on my new position, on finding a house, on spoiling my nieces and nephews and being the best God Mother ever.... sorry it's been such a long time since and update, but like I said when you're brain feels out of control it's not a nice feeling and I didn't feel like sharing not nice feelings, so thus the silence....Today was pretty rough for me, being Mother's Day and all, it was nice though because I got to spend the day with my Mom and we kept busy which helped. But that sinking/sucking feeling in my chest was there all day, just like it is every day but especially today with so much focus on moms was hard.....but one month til that other holiday dedicated to pointing out the fact that my body is a biological failure...yay....ok see enough of this, told you my head isn't pretty right now....I love you all, Happy Mother's Day to all of the mothers out there and to all of those others who are dealing with the evil 'I' word I understand, and I share your pain....there's always next year.....

Sigh

So we had our 3rd Baby Day appointment today....things did not really go so well....On Monday I went in for Baby Day number 2 and the doctor said she thought things looked like they were going to better than usual, but they weren't there yet...so we made another appointment for today...Wow did that not go well! The doctor was not impressed with my ovaries and that while 75% of PCOS patients can successfully ovulate and get pregnant using hormones and clomid...than he got a bit quiet and looked at me and said basically that it is looking like I am in the Other 25%...that we'd do another month with clomid at a higher dosage and than we'd look at different measures...so that's the medical update.
I'm taking it better than the last appointment, or maybe I'm becoming more resigned...not sure yet. I do know though that Mark and I are extremely blessed! We have some amazing friends and family, for example when I got back to work today my co-workers were absolutely amazing, encouraging me and having faith that Mark and I would be parents. The incredible feedback we've gotten from people has almost (note almost) made this process worth it. I can't tell you how much it helps us to know there are so many people praying and thinking about us, or that people trust that we would be good parents and that we shouldn't give up hope. So thank you from the bottom of our hearts, I truly hope that if any of you ever needs to go through this you can see how truly blessed you are with such great family and friends.

Just Call Me Godmother :-D

I'm am super honored and privileged to announce that I was asked to be the Godmother for my cousin and his fiance's daughter!! YAY me! I never thought I'd get to be a Godmother! In my family Godparents are a big deal, mostly because they spoil the heck out of you, and it always works that the father chooses the Godfather and the mom chooses the Godmother. Typically it ends up being out of their respective families, and given the fact that my sister has already made it known she doesn't plan to have kids I figured I was pretty much out of the running! So imagine my surprise and utter delight when I had a call from the happy parents to be!? Honestly I started to cry like a baby!! It was truly the nicest thing anyone has ever asked me before (and I can say that because Mark says I technically asked him to marry me so he never asked me to be his wife)! So I was completely taken by surprise and was very happy to accept (who wouldn't?) and am looking forward with even more anticipation to meeting Audrina Jo!
According to the encyclopedia a Godmother is: one who stands surety for another in the rite of Christian baptism. In the modern baptism of an infant or child the godparent or godparents make profession of faith for the person being baptized (the godchild) and assume an obligation to serve as proxies for the parents if the parents either are unable or neglect to provide for the religious training of the child, in fulfillment of baptismal promises. In churches mandating a sponsor only one godparent is required; two (in most churches, of different sex) are permitted. Many Protestant denominations permit but do not require godparents to join the infant's natural parents as sponsors. In the Roman Catholic Church godparents must be of the Catholic faith.
Other than the Catholic part I so have that covered! But in my family being a Godparent means so much more than that and so I promise here and now to make a few more promises to my Goddaughter.....So...

Dear Audrina Jo,
I so can not wait to meet you! You are such a blessing already to your parents, to me, to this world and I know you will be just an amazing little girl. Even though I will be far away there are a few promises I would like to make to you, firstly I promise to always spell your name correctly, and I promise to someday tell you lots of stories about the woman who shared your middle name. I promise to remember every gift giving holiday with an abundance of love, I promise to be a sympathetic ear when you feel like your parents don't understand, I promise to make you laugh with stories of your father and while I don't have a lot of stories with your mom I promise to build up some good ones! I promise to have your best interests at heart and to answer any questions you may have about life truthfully. I promise to be there for you no matter how many miles separate us. But mostly I promise to love you to the best of my abilities for as long as I live!

Love,
Your very happy Godmother!

 

6 Months

So you may be wondering how things went for us last month....well they pretty much sucked. I had my appointment on the 31st and was expecting to go in there, get a shot, get sent home and make a baby...Well that didn't even come close to happening. Firstly, I got there and was pulled into a separate room to talk about the fact that my insurance sucks! Yep while they'd said that they would cover fertility treatments, what they really meant was they would cover In-Vitro. Not anything else after the diagnosis of infertility. I'm not exactly sure what world that makes sense in but that is the world of insurance I suppose. So we were given a schedule of costs which breaks down to about 300-350 every visit. Yikes!
So I signed the schedule said if we agreed to continue I understood that my insurance didn't cover anything, and from there I went to my actual appointment.
My regular doctor was out so I had to meet with a different doctor, which really isn't a big deal but I like my doctor. Anyways she did an ultrasound and that's where everything really went downhill. As you all may remember I took 10 days worth of oral hormones, induced a period, did 5 days of clomid which was supposed to induce ovulation. Well apparently that didn't happen. UGH so we did blood work and now I'm back on metformin, then doing round 2 of hormones and clomid at a higher dosage.
With clomid you only can do 6 rounds before it starts to do more harm than good in terms of fertility....So thus the title of this post. 6 month....though technically we're in month 2 so we only have 5 more months. But after coming home from my appointment and crying on my wonderful husbands shoulder we came to a decision. After our 6 months if we're not pregnant than we're done...I go back on birth control and get my body back under control and we focus solely on adoption if we still feel sane.
We're trying to feel good about everything, but I'm not doing such a good job..I knew that there was still a possibility of things not working even with the fertility treatments. I didn't really anticipate the whole insurance fiasco, but I knew things might not work, that doesn't really lessen the disappointment. I'd had such a good feeling that things might work, and the disappointment was rough...

Feelin good about life!

So much has been going on with us recently that it is about time I update everyone! Right now Mark and I are in the middle of our first cycle of fertility treatments! AH scary! Honestly the whole idea of having to go to a doctor, plan everything to the day, and all the junk that goes with fertility specialists truly freaked me out! But now that we're in the middle of it I'm super excited and confident! Ok so to the beginning. In December I finally had all my health insurance junk in order (oiy pain in the butt) and finally had a check-up/yearly appointment with my new Primary Care Physician who I really liked. She couldn't believe my records, and immediately made a recommendation for an OB/GYN who can get us pregnant and stay with us through the whole pregnancy, bring in Dr Hinton! She's amazing! Smart, dry humor, up front, and was ready to get started immediately! I went in on a Wednesday, was back Friday for an ultra-sound and went over the results right there with her! She put me on oral hormones and that was 10 days ago! Yesterday was my last day of that. So sometime in the next couple days I should have a period, on day 3 blood-work, get put on Clomid, day 21 more blood-work and then I guess I get told to go home and have sex (yes that was Mark's fav part LOL) and if all goes according to plan we should be pregnant by our 3rd wedding anniversary! YAY!!! Of course if things don't go according to plan we'll do a couple more cycles *typically you do up to 6 before other options are explored* and Mark will start taking tests to make sure he is not the problem!
YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY
IN other news we are not giving up on adoption, but we're pretty sure we're giving up on the State of Arkansas adoption! We miss our Bethany Christian Services case worker and the fact that we got no personal connection at the state agency! Which is very important to us. So we're back to BCS we've filled out our initial paperwork which is nice because it was all online here, and have our introduction meeting on Friday. So we're moving full steam ahead on both avenues and God willing we'll be parents soon! We love being Aunt Nicole and Uncle Mark but can't wait to be Mom and Dad!